The short answer to this question is “Yes” – you can learn to trust your heart again.
The secret is in the Story you tell yourself about what has happened.
The secret lies in not hiding your heart but, instead, deepening your heart and allowing yourself to become a better person because of what’s happened in your life. This is what it means to come back stronger.
Many women do 2 things when it come to divorce:
Some leap right into another relationship. I call these women “Tiggers” because they jump from man to man asking the question, “Will you love me?”…”Will you love me?”
They look like they’re moving on but on the inside, they are still hurting so badly. The story they are telling themselves is that they just didn’t have the right man. The next one will be different.
Then there are those I call “Eeyores”. You know, quiet, sad little Eeyore the donkey whose attitude was one of resignation and apathy. A dark cloud followed him everywhere and everyone was always trying to cheer him up.
These lovely ladies close up, give up and put love away.
The story they tell themselves is that it’s too painful to love. Men are selfish, mean creatures who will crush you if you let them in. (And, rightly so – many of us put our trust in someone we thought was wonderful and he disappointed and shattered our dreams.)
Which one are you? Which story do you tell yourself? The Tigger or the Eeyore story?
Let me tell you how to shape shift your broken heart into something beautiful, confident and amazing again.
You must change the story your heart is telling you…
Imagine yourself 10 years from now if nothing changes on the inside for you.
Same response to that hurt (might be depression, anger, pretending it doesn’t exist, avoiding it).
So time passes – 10 years of time and you either live your Tigger story, going from man to man or settling for the one that is the most tolerable.
Or you live in your Eeyore story, numbing yourself to how lonely you are, perhaps accepting that your ex left you, managing to cover over the fact that you haven’t found anyone else.
What fills your life? Grandchildren? Your favorite tv shows?
The occasional dinner out with a couple of other single friends?
Maybe enduring church or community events filled with “couples”?
10 years – how has ACCEPTING your broken heart and that no man is worth it, letting it “be” like that for 10 years affected you?
All of these things are not a bad thing but is this the life you really want?
The first step to trusting again is always that you MUST re-tell your Story
If the answer to this is, “Yes, I’m happy enough. And I will be content with this life”, then you don’t need to read on.
But if you feel yourself sadden to think of how “it could have been”, if you feel the grief creeping in over the future being gone that you hoped to have and you are angry that someone robbed you of that, then read on because this is crucial.
You CAN change the picture of who you will be 10 years from now.
But, you must change the story you are telling yourself NOW.
You must tap into the teeniest bit of courage that hides deep inside that wounded heart of yours and bring it up into the sunshine.
Are you, at the very least, “willing to be willing” to do this? That’s what it takes to find start moving toward something you never thought possible – being willing to be willing.
Being willing to be willing then transforms into being willing which transforms into a small confidence that you can do this and then a greater confidence and THEN you let go and it happens!
So let me tell you how to change your story.
Let me tell you how YOU can be the Princess again, how you can find that someone romantic, kind and loving who will SEE YOU from the inside out and love you anyway – who will never say you are not enough.
I love the picture of climbing into a hot air balloon and rising high above the situation so I can look down on it objectively. I want you to do that. Stay tethered to the ground so you are in one place but rise up, up up in that hot air balloon and just look down over your life.
1 Recognize the Story you are telling yourself but don’t make it a tragedy – turn it into a drama or even a romantic comedy.
- Don’t make it worse than it is. What’s the meaning you are giving for why the love you wanted didn’t work out?
- Be the observer – look at the facts. Were you really not enough or was it a combination of immaturity, confusion and baggage both of you were carrying? Let blame go. And give it a fair assessment.
- Think of the past, present and future pieces of your story as 3 rooms – you can see them from up in your hot air balloon.
- The back room is where you have come from. Do you see it playing out like a movie? Look down on it and watch it, feel it, but DON’T exaggerate it.
- It happened and, regardless of who was at “fault”, it’s over now. So close the door.
- You are in the second room – the “waiting room” – the place of healing and reassessment. See the heroine in your story wrestling with the hurt, trying to decide how to fix it, what to do next.
- You DO NOT want to get comfortable there. You simply want to make this a chapter in your story.
- You want to move your life forward here with your back to the back room and your face toward the Sun Room.
2 Paint a picture of the Sun Room in your heart and it will move to your brain.
- A beautiful future. An entire wall of windows letting in the sun. Comfy furniture. A homey atmosphere.
- How does that look for you? Can you describe it?
- ACTIVITY: Go on-line and start a collection of your ideal Sun Rooms on Pinterest.
- Or print off pictures, buy a magazine and cut them out and paste them onto a poster board.
- Start adding words of how you would feel in a room like that IF you were the creator of that room, the woman who felt alive and certain and fulfilled and in control of her own life and destiny.
- Start adding things that represent these – remember to be willing to be willing to do this if it’s all you can muster. Pretend you are willing and just do it:
- Imagine the career you would have that you would love.
- Imagine the place you will have traveled and where you are going next.
- Imagine the relationships you have with special people in your life.
- Imagine the activities you do that are an adventure for you – how you love to dance now, how the artist in you expresses herself, how the places you volunteer make your heart overflow.
- Imagine the man who lives with you there – if you choose. You let him into your heart because he proved himself to be a Knight – your Knight. He loves you with all of who he is and together, you have created this incredibly safe and peaceful atmosphere where, even if storms beat against those high windows, they remain on the outside.
This is a place, once you begin to create it, that you never want to leave. Don’t you feel so different here??
3 Do what it takes to move here.
- Words like “impossible” and “I can’t” are going to creep up for you as soon as you read that sentence. Do this: Eliminate them from your vocabulary. Yup. Just cross them out and never let them escape from your lips again.
- You have it in you to do whatever you dream so believe that.
- You are currently in the Waiting Room – waiting to create the next chapter in your story.
- You are creating the picture of the Sun Room that you are moving toward. KEEP THAT PICTURE IN FRONT OF YOU AT ALL TIMES.
- And now write down what you are going to have to do to get there.
- Who will you have to become?
- What will you have to believe?
- What will you have to let go of?
- What will you need to do in order to let your heart deepen from the pain instead of closing up? (hint: learn…face your hurt…forgive and let go)
Keep going. Keep creating. Keep dreaming. It’s really this simple. A framework that will surround you and give you a structure to work from.
I have a Heart Connection Sheet called, “Moving Past Your Past” where this is all laid out for you. Download it in the link below this video if you REALLY want to do this.
Never give up! Until the next step, make it your aim to love passionately from a wide open heart!