Learn To Trust Your Heart Again / Taking Care Of Your Own Heart First

Feeling Lost After Divorce Is Not Always A Bad Thing

It feels like limbo land. As if walking in a fog.

Maybe on the surface, you are trying to make it seem as if everything is ok. But underneath, there is a gaping hole that is filled with fear and questions.

What happens now?

Why couldn’t he love me?

Am I going to feel like a hurting shadow forever?

I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not a wife. I’m not in a couple. I’m single. How do I be single?

Take a deep breath.

Take many, in fact. Deep breaths in and a long breath out slows your heart rate down. Important so do that.

From that place, assess your situation.

See Things As They Are – But Not Worse Than They Are

Yes, you have gone through a break-up. That feels awful.

Yes, you are now single again. That may or may not feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff wondering if you are going to fall and just keep falling.

Instead of letting that happen, here’s what you do. Decide that you are going to build a bridge over to the other side.

You are a kind, smart woman who has had to be resourceful lots of times in your past.

Come on now, don’t be modest. Remember the times you have had to think fast to help your child when she was sick or to juggle your money so you could pay an urgent bill or how many times you have been the problem-solver at work or with a friend.

Is this the end of the world? No!

It’s the end of a relationship and most likely the end of a situation where you were sad, angry, begging to be seen and heard or a combination of all of these.

In some ways, you miss your life because it was familiar but, at the very least, you still have your life. You are alone but you are alive.

Four words: YOU CAN DO THIS… if you decide to.

Become Obsessed With Making It Through

If your child was drowning and you knew you would lose him if you didn’t jump into the pool, would you think twice? No! Of course not. You would do what you had to without even thinking about it. That’s the fighter in you.

Crisis situations force our hand. They push us into a corner where we have to make decisions.

Decisions shape our destiny – not circumstances. Decisions are so vital that they create our future.

You are faced, in reality, with only 2 decisions in front of you:

  1. Go back to bed for the rest of your life.
  2. Fight to the death for your life.

Which will you choose?

If you are heading back to bed right now, STOP! Please hear me out for a minute. Depression is a normal part of the loss of love but it doesn’t have to be permanent.

Think ahead to 10 years from now. Do you still want to be in bed?

What would that look like? Imagine feeling exactly like you do right now, maybe worse. Life in limbo. Bad relationship or none. Dead-end career.

Grey. Everything grey.

Now, think about what it might look like if you were to fight for your life… 10 years from now you could be in a place where all of this is a distant memory.

Amazing career.

New home.

The “Perfect For Me Man” showing up as your partner and greatest champion.

Hope. Smiling. Sunshine.

Which way do you want to go? I am praying that you said, “I am not going down that easily. I’m going to fight for this new life with everything I’ve got.”

Become obsessed to find the answers. Transform into the greatest female detective hero that has ever lived and start figuring it out. Every time you feel the pull to slink back to that bed, learn something new about what you can do differently.

Build a bridge over the chasm. Who is this new woman going to be?

Take Massive, Insane Action

Decisions shape our destiny. Actions reinforce every decision we make.

So each time you make a decision to stay up out of that victim bed and fight for this new life, follow it up with an insane, crazy action that tells you that you are not giving up.

  • Go for a workout.
  • Clean out a cupboard filled with memories holding you back and take the box to Good Will.
  • Write out an entire chapter from a book that is teaching you into your Dream Journal.
  • Pull a couple of friends together and plan a weekend away doing something fun.
  • Don’t reinvent the wheel – find a mentor who has been down this path and copy what they did.
  • Talk! Women need to talk! Take your friend for dinner and tell her you just have to get some things off your chest and then put it all out there. You will feel so much better!
  • Show your kids that fun is not ending because of the sadness. Take them out and do something you’ve never done with them before.
  • Apply for school or a new job. Just do it even if you’re not sure how you will see it through. Take the first step to tell your brain that you are moving forward, not slipping backward.

Three Pathway Steps

Close the Back Room Door.

Heal your heart while you’re in the Waiting Room (with your heart in a cast).

Cross the bridge to the Sun Room where the Super Hero You, the transformed, deeper, wiser, so much more aware you – is living a better life than she’s ever known before.

As for going back to bed, save that only for times when the Fighter in you needs to catch up on her rest.

You got this!



Author

bernice@bernicemcdonald.com
My passion is to walk you back to a place of passionate love after divorce. I have loved to write, to coach, to train the past 10 years, so that your heart can love again - powerfully, strongly, softly and openly. I found my over the moon, never leave me love. You can, too.