How Can I Ever Attract A Great Man? (when I was told I would never be enough)

The one surprising thing that a great guy is actually looking for (and you have it)

I will bet you are one of the strongest people I could ever know.

I will bet that, if someone did something to one of your kids, you would be there in a heartbeat, a flash, to stand between them and any danger – without even thinking about it.

I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that somewhere in your past YOU stepped up in the face of what looked like insurmountable odds and did what you needed to to get through.

From somewhere inside, from a place even YOU did not know existed, you dug deep and pulled out a strength that was incredible.  It went beyond anything you had ever done before. You did what you needed to.

Time Travel Back To That Moment

Can you remember a time like that?  Go back there just for a moment – it doesn’t matter how long ago – maybe it was when you were a child, a teenager.  Maybe it was last year or yesterday.  Just go there for me right now.

It could have been getting through the birth of your child.  (This, by the way, takes special super powers for any woman!)

Maybe it was facing a bully to protect your best friend.

Maybe it was holding your siblings together after a death in the family.

Whatever it was, you stepped up.  You helped. You inspired. You came through.

I want you to feel what it took to do what you did.

The courage.  Putting yourself aside and doing what was right, what was needed, what had to be done right then, right there.

Amazing how we can take ourselves back somewhere and feel how we felt right then, isn’t it?  Emotions are SO powerful.

So, here you are, in that time or that moment that you recalled.  See it all happening in front of you.

But, now, I want you to freeze it as if you put a movie on pause.  And I want you to step out of your body like in those movies where the person dies and they come out and watch everything going on around them.

Become one of the observers – one of the people in that picture with you.

Look at you in this picture.  There you are – at your strongest, in your BEST courage, protection mode, your best creative, organizational mode, your BEST take care of the situation when others lost it mode – whatever describes the “you” that you were in at that moment.

Do you see the love in your heart?

Even if you had to be assertive – you were motivated by love for someone.  And that love, in that courageous moment, spurred you on.  It showed on your face making you beautiful.

No matter if you were wearing make-up, pjamas or nothing at all – no matter if your hair was a mess or what age you were, YOU were incredible right then, caught in time.

There was a beauty and a power and a confidence and a selfless light that surrounded you right then that was amazing.

YOU were incredible, lit up, confident and certain of not only what needed to be done right then but of who you were and what you were capable of.

In that instant, your best self came to the forefront.  And you were a force to be reckoned with – no, don’t even doubt it!

Others felt it. Others knew it and were even maybe a bit in awe.

Lovely, incredible ladies – THIS is the you that a good man will want to know.

THIS is the you that will attract him.

The heroine inside.  The one who knows who she is and what she wants.  The one who has purpose and embraces learning as naturally as breathing.

Your best you.  The determination.  The “shoulders back, head high, FOCUS on what’s really important” YOU.

A man will be attracted to a woman who is already on her way to becoming the best version of herself.

Now MOST of you do not live as this Super Hero lady the majority of your time, right?

In fact, I would venture to say that MOST of you had to dig to remember this moment and had completely forgotten how much strength, quick thought and bravery it took to face it because we don’t think of ourselves that way most of the time….strong, quick thinking and brave.

MOST of the time, we think of ourselves as what others have told us we are.

Too fat, too old, too dumb, too needy…

Too ugly, too dependent, too rude, too bossy…

Come on, be honest.  It’s true, isn’t it? Isn’t that where your thoughts go TOO often?

Where Do You Focus?

How do you get to the place where you can BE this “best self” most of the time?

Here’s a fact:  It’s not what happened to you in your life, it’s the meaning you give it.

What guides your life and your decisions and the light you give off is what you believe about yourself.

How many times have I had an incredibly gifted, unique, soft and compassionate woman sitting across from me for coaching who finds it difficult to even meet my eyes.?

How many times have I watched as a lady with so much love in her heart to give away has difficulty getting the words out that describe what she wants from life – let alone from love?

Why?

You know because we all fall victim to this – she doesn’t believe she deserves to even say the words.

Where is her focus?  On the belief that she is not enough.

It’s not the truth – but it’s how she interpreted what happened to her.  In her mind:

  • Someone treated her badly because she wasn’t worth treating well.
  • Someone left her because she wasn’t worth staying for.
  • Someone chose someone else, another person, another life, over her BECAUSE she wasn’t enough

Not enough and so not lovable.

Is this sad or what?  It breaks my heart.

When I was 15, a guy finally asked me out.  I was over the moon with excitement!

Because I, already at 15, was desperate to be shown that I was lovable, I hung on his every word, tried to do everything exactly right so I wouldn’t chase him away.

But it didn’t help.  His words to me when he broke up was that he wasn’t quite sure what it was that kept him from falling for me. Finally, he had put his finger on it.  He said, “You know, you’d be really pretty if you lost 10 pounds”.

It was like a pail of ice water had been poured over me.  I knew that there were some things wrong with me – but I hadn’t realized that boys didn’t ask me out because I was fat.

This guy was leaving me because I was fat.

So began a long, long battle with my weight.  Unless I was unbearably thin, I loathed my body after that.  As you can imagine, I struggled with an eating disorder for the next 3 decades of my life.

Anything like that happened to you in your Story?  A conversation or event that changes how you see yourself even today?

Looking back, there were other, kinder, better quality guys that came and went in my life.  But could I be myself with them?  No – I was always trying to please them, to be what I thought they wanted me to be.  I didn’t want any surprises!

And they could never quite feel as if they knew me. They didn’t get me.  And they left.

I was just thinking about it recently.  Do you know who the men were whose hearts I broke?

They were the geeky kind of guys who I didn’t have any attraction to. They were just friends that I liked to hang out with.  They fell for me because I was “me” with them.  I laughed easily.  I flirted.  We went on adventures and talked about everything.

I didn’t care what they thought of me.  I was who I was and they could take me or leave me.

In the end, all of these years later, after a 24 year marriage to the wrong guy and a few more poor dating choices after my divorce, that’s the point I came back around to.

I wasn’t all the way there, but when I met Rod, the man who was my Knight in Shining Armor, it’s what I was in the process of learning.

And I was SO free!

I was just “me”.  I laid down all my attempts to be true to anyone but who I really was.

And it shifted the questions I was asking inside.  We all ask questions to the world even if you don’t realize it.

Instead of asking, “Am I good enough for you to love?”, I was beginning to ask, “Are you good enough to be in my life with me?”

Do you have the qualities I need?

Can you treat me with the respect, kindness, care that I require from someone?

Rod says that he was attracted to me because he knew I was a woman who had a soft confidence about her.  Not a protective shield but, instead, a strength that stood on firm values, enabling me to be approachable as well as vulnerable and receiving.

Wow!  That was amazing for me to hear.

The Secret Question You MUST Ask That Will Allow You To Begin To Trust Again

But there’s one other question that you FIRST  must answer just for you.

One that will totally set you free from the fear of trusting again.

It’s this:  “Who tells me who I am?”

Who tells you who you are?

Is it the voices from your past?

Is it your children?

Is it the men whose attention and commitment you seek?

Is it your boss or a co-worker who thinks she can pass judgement on everything you do?

Into whose hands do you give this power?

Warning:  If you hand that power over to someone who is fickle and changeable with moods, blood sugar levels and life circumstances, then you are going to find yourself in the endless cycle of “he loves me/he loves me not”.

The human condition is that we have high’s and we have low’s.  Classic example is how you are with your kids from day to day.  Some days you can handle anything that is thrown at you – other days, if they squeak, you are down their throats.

It’s life.  It’s people.

So putting the power of the most precious thing you own – who you are and if you’re enough – into the hands of another human being is taking a huge risk.

If this is true, where do we go then?  Who tells us who we are?

Well, that’s for you to decide.  But, if I may, let me suggest that you consider looking up.  That’s what released me from trying to please everyone else around me.

You are special.  Unique.  Someone put you here for a purpose.

There is something that you are meant to do that only you can do – whether it’s to paint the Cistine Chapel or to pour love into another human being.

You are NOT random and you should never think of yourself as that.

Your opinion, your thoughts, your observations, your IDEAS are all complete with your individual perspective. There is no one like you.

When you believe that you have a purpose for being here and for being the person you are, no one – NO ONE can take that away.

When you believe this, your focus can become on refining your uniqueness – discovering how all you have been through can come together to make a difference to someone else’s life in your own special way.

When you believe this, your focus can STOP being on all you are NOT and instead be on all you ARE.

Who You Hand The Power To Is Up To You

What makes you attractive to a great guy?

Being a woman who is lit up inside with the light of knowing that who she is who she is meant to be.

Being a woman who knows that there’s a reason for all that she’s been through and who is determined to find the deeper, wiser results.

Being a woman who is continually learning to come back stronger from whatever storms life throws at her.

 So, this is my assignment for you today:

  1. Sit quietly and go into your heart.
  2. Think of a time when you did something powerful in some way.
  3. Feel the strength, the fulfillment, the courage, the love you felt in those moments and hold onto them.
  4. From out of that feeling, answer this question: From now on, who will be the one to tell you who you are?

I would love to hear the answer to that question.  Please let me know in the comments below.

 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.