The Story You Tell Yourself
Ever heard a story like this one?
“I am that person who is seeing a lovely guy. He is funny caring and we have good times together. But my mind keeps saying he is too good for me and I am just waiting for him to drop me. I tell myself that he could do so much better than me but I know it’s really my ex I am hearing. When I am with this guy I am so “me” and don’t think about anything then. But when I am not, I obsess about how it’s going to be when he leaves me. I don’t know how to get passed it.”
This may not be your exact circumstance but the worry interwoven throughout this brief glimpse into someone’s heart is the most common feeling on the face of this planet. And, no, that’s not an exaggeration.
We all feel it. Every human being. Everyone has that “inside voice” talking to them saying, “You really don’t measure up, you know. What will they do when they discover that you are an imposter and not at all the person they seem to like – or respect – or love?”
How many great jobs are turned down?
How many projects are never completed or even launched?
How many dates are refused or relationships dissolved based on this very thing?
“I am not enough. And, when you get to know me and see all my flaws and imperfections, you will not love me. Instead, you will run from me.”
As The Pages Turn…
So where do we begin to find our way back from this common echo in our heads to a place where we can confidently live our lives like the adventure it is?
How do we overcome all that has happened in our past that reinforced this message?
It’s true. Within the past pages of our individual stories we see:
People criticizing how we did things and calling down the character qualities that may actually be the gifts we have to bring to the world.
The pain of being turned down, put in second place, compared to others and even left behind as if we didn’t matter.
There are men in love with you that have been responsible for comparing you with someone else and finding you wanting and there are men who have been pushed away by you because you fear that they will do it, too.
But, do the chapters that came before have to affect the chapter we are in now and those yet to be written?
No. Simply put. No, they do not have to.
But for most of us, they do. And it leaves us, in the twilight years of our lives, looking back longingly on all the missed opportunities, shelved inventions, unfinished creations that lay scattered between the pages.
Most tragic of all, it relegates the ecstasy of true, free, giving love to be hidden forever behind the door that bears the sign: Experiences Not Embraced, Not Lived, Not Known.
The question on the table is: Will you give in to the “I am not good enough syndrome” or will you not?
I am hoping that you will, with all your heart, mind and soul say, “Never!” After all, why should you hand over your future to those who have already robbed you of so much of your past?
If you identify with this in any way, please dig your heals in and go for it.
Those Living In The Beautiful Love Story
You know those women who have done this.
They are the peaceful ones. The courageous. The curious. The gentle.
Nothing crosses their paths that defeats them, at least not for long.
Their faces are lit up with a glow that comes from their hearts as if a fireplace was burning within.
They no longer have that need to aggressively protect the windows to their souls. The windows are wide open for anyone to see in. No shame. No blame. Just acceptance. Surrender to what was.
To love is easy for them. To be loved is easy for them. And they naturally attract those who are the same.
Men love to be around them like the proverbial bees to honey. Even if they would not be considered classic beauties, they overflow with the joy and wisdom and fun in life that draws the same out of others.
A man feels like he has become a better man for having been near them. And if not, he moves quickly away because it’s clear she is not in his league.
Re-writing Future Chapters
So what are their secrets? Here are 7 that will literally relax you into allowing you to simply become you.
The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.
I learned from Tony Robbins, renowned coach in all things about life, that there are 2 fears all people on the entire planet wrestle with.
The first is, “I am not enough” and the second is “I will not be loved”.
Realizing that this is a human condition and you are not alone in it, will impact you in enormous ways.
Your boss, the neighbor across the street, your best friend – you ex. All of them feel this.
So, if the next man you go out with is worried about whether or not he is enough for you and you are worried about whether you are enough for him, wouldn’t it be easier if you were just to take a deep breath and focus on making him more comfortable?
It would take all the pressure off of you.
Your mind can be a very convincing liar.
The story you tell yourself can be so real, so vivid in your own mind. It’s as if it’s showing on this huge movie screen and everyone around you will see it if you’re not careful.
Now, think about this. How much thought do you actually give to others around you? You are so worried about the meaning behind what they are saying and doing or to you that you don’t give much thought to what’s going on with them.
Do you notice, other giving a passing glance, what every one else is wearing?
Do you care if somebody trips in front of you or makes a mistake at work?
Unless, it directly affects you, you most likely have forgotten about it the next day.
If we’re all in the same inner thought boat, then most of them are worrying about themselves and about what someone else thinks about them – just like you are.
So stop letting that little liar sitting on your shoulders tell you what’s important and what’s not. She has distorted perspective.
There is more right with you than wrong with you.
Ever noticed how, when you look at the past, you remember the few moments when something went wrong rather than the millions of things that went right?
Again, it’s the way human beings are wired. We live in a world where it’s easier to see the dark than to notice the light.
So, instead of going with the flow of most people and focusing on what is wrong with you, begin to focus on what is great about you.
If “great” is a stretch to begin with because it means flexing muscles you haven’t used for a while – if ever – then start with “positive”. Think about whether or not you are awesome at making your bed every morning or whether you can cook up a mean breakfast.
From there, start to make a list that goes from, “Yeah, that’s a good thing” to “That’s what I like about being me” to “Now that’s awesome!” I promise you the list on the up side will be way longer than the down side.
When I made the switch in comparing myself to others and coming up short was when I began to say, “That’s OK. I have strengths in other areas.”
You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.
So you have problems even looking in a mirror? Or going for a job interview? Not to mention, going on a date with someone new?
Can you stop for a moment and just breathe. Just breathe.
Now how would you feel for a good friend who said she couldn’t do anything right. That she was the biggest loser, the worst screw-up there was. What would your words be to her that would reassure her that she’s wrong?
If you can say these things to her, you are not seeing her actions, her behaviors or her words. You are seeing what’s inside. You are seeing her heart. The core of who she is. The real person.
From the breathing place you are in, step back and give yourself some slack. You have a heart, too. One that you wish someone else would see. So step in and see it. It’s a pretty amazing place, actually, filled with all kind of kindness, perspective, opinions and gifts that are unlike anyone else in the world. That’s how you were made.
Start here. Be nice to you.
You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”
Did you know that the you are today will