Taking Care Of Your Own Heart First

My Heart Is Crying In Ways Nobody Knows – Will It Ever Stop?

Divorce is not always associated with death. But it is a “death” in many ways. And that hurts so badly.

It’s the death of your future as you thought you knew it – the death of a home – the loss of a place you belonged even if it was an unhealthy place.

It’s the death of your security and all you knew that was certain.

It’s the death of love – and the hope of  love with someone who you thought might be your soulmate.

The key to stopping the pain is to go through it.

Have you ever heard someone say this and wanted to punch them? We hate pain! The last thing we want to feel is the hurt. How do we face it, let alone, go through it?

The answer to that question is that you need to grieve or you will never make it to your Sun Room. You will stay stuck in your Waiting Room, never moving on… Not very appealing, is it? Can you imagine being angry or depressed for the rest of your life?

We are walking you toward your Sun Room. A place where you feel GOOD again. Pain free just as you want. A smile on your face. A heart wide open welcoming whatever life brings next and knowing that you can and will handle it. Believing in yourself and your strength and your purpose.

So let your heart experience these up’s and down’s, back and forth’s in these 4 Stages but make a decision right here and now that you will NOT sit down in the mud of loss.

These are the 4 Stages of Grieving over the death of your love:

Denial

He didn’t really mean it.

He’ll come back to me.

Anger

I’ll make him pay for this!

Why does this always happen to me?

How could he do this to me?

Depression

I can’t face this.

I can’t watch him go on to be happy.

I will never find anyone to love me.

I will never trust ANY MAN ever again.

Acceptance

OK. I can do this.

What’s my next step to get me through?

How can I empower myself to stand up for my heart?

Do you recognize these in yourself? These 4 Grief Stages cycle around and don’t always happen in order.

WARNING

You don’t want to get stuck in any of the first 3 Stages: denial, anger or depression.

Think about the Path your heart has walked since your love ended.

If it’s been years since your last heartbreak and you still feel anger, resentment and a boiling inside when you think about him, then you are letting the mud of loss suck you in.

If you have shut down your heart because you just know every other man out there is cut from the same mold as those who hurt you in your Back Room, then you are still cycling through these stages.

If you push love away when it comes knocking on your door because a previous love keeps looming up between you and the one who wants to build something with you, then you haven’t allowed yourself to go all the so way through the grief.

If you keep choosing men who hurt you and treat you with disrespect just as your ex or other men did in your Back Room, then you are still caught up in your Waiting Room.

Let The Grieving Do Its Work

The secret to letting go after heartbreak is to purposefully look at how YOU – only you – are processing inside. Not what’s happening with your former man. Not what your kids are going through but what YOUR HEART is feeling.

The secret keys are below. Every time you find yourself in denial or experiencing that anger welling up inside or wanting to stay in bed with the covers pulled up over your head, step into your courage and ask yourself 3 Questions.

Example: Denial. What am I focusing on?

What thoughts are filling my head right now and won’t be quiet?

“He didn’t really mean it. He’ll change his mind and come back.”

How does this make you feel?

(**CLUE: Your emotions always lead you to the Story you are telling yourself so look at your feelings first.) 

“I feel comfort and hope.” This is exactly what denial will do for you. That’s why we go here. It meets your need for safety and comfort.

What Story am I telling myself? 

“He is coming back. He didn’t leave me for good. I won’t have to get over him because we’ll start all over and it will work this time.”

What’s the Truth and how can I help myself face it?

The Truth:  Take a deep breath. Be honest with yourself. Feel your courage.

“He wasn’t able to love me as I needed to be loved. Even if he were to come back, it would end up the same way again.”

Next Step

“I am going to let him make his choice and realize it’s the best choice for me because it leaves the door open to a life filled with love instead of a life filled with begging for love.”

Do you see how this works?  Let’s look at an example of facing the Grieving Stage of Anger.

Example: Anger.

What am I focusing on?

What thoughts are filling my head right now and won’t be quiet? 

“I am going to make him suffer like I am!”

How does this make you feel?

**Clue: feelings lead you to the real Story you are telling yourself.

“I feel angry. I feel hurt and betrayed and afraid that I am on the losing end.”

What Story am I telling myself?

“He didn’t have to back out or act like he did. He is doing this on purpose to hurt me. He is pushing me into suffering so I am going to make him suffer, too.”

Actions take from this place of desperation and fear can cause so much regret!

Is this really the person you want to be?

What’s the Truth? How can I help myself face it?

The Truth

Stop. Deep breath. Feel that courageous part of you inside.

“He’s a Tree Stump Man. I may as well have asked for love from a Tree Stump. The Tree Stump isn’t bad because it couldn’t respond. It’s just being a Tree Stump.

He couldn’t love me as I needed to be loved because he just couldn’t. It was most likely for many reasons but the fact is – he wasn’t capable. It doesn’t mean I’m not lovable. It means that he is not the one who can do a great job of meeting my heart’s needs and that’s OK. I will accept that.”

Next Steps

“I am going to build a life now that I love. I am going to focus on learning how to do this.”

So, every time you feel yourself in one of the first 3 Stages of Grieving which are denial, anger or depression:

1. Stop and look at where your thoughts are focusing.

2. Put the Story that you are telling yourself into words.

3. Change that Story to the Truth and then make a decision, as hard as that may be, for what your next steps will be. For you.

The more you do this, the more you will feel find yourself living in the 4th Grieving Stage: Acceptance. You will discover a new respect and love for yourself being strengthened.

And one day you will wake up to discover that the Back Room Door is closed and you have walked into that beautiful Sun Room where you feel free and opening up to love again.


Author

bernice@bernicemcdonald.com
My passion is to walk you back to a place of passionate love after divorce. I have loved to write, to coach, to train the past 10 years, so that your heart can love again - powerfully, strongly, softly and openly. I found my over the moon, never leave me love. You can, too.