S2 Ep 22: Am I Enough? 3 Ways To Believe You Truly Are

 

So do you have it all figured out? This life thing? I definitely do not!

Recently, I’m embarrassed to say, I blew up at my husband. Thankfully, it’s something that rarely happens but I know that it was all coming from this place of fear. 

Right here. At the centre of my beautiful heart.

My head was telling me that I’m not enough. I was overwhelmed with all the “shoulds’ in my life. And, even at my age, there’s a part of me that tells me I don’t know what I’m doing. And I ought to.

So my feeling of inadequacy was leaking out of my pores, coming out in scary high-pitched tones along with electric current shooting like lightning from my pointy finger - all aimed at my unsuspecting husband who had forgotten to do something.

Why is it that I think shining an ugly spotlight on the one poor quality in my partner somehow makes up for the 50 of my own in me?

Anyway - we’re human. I have spent the last few days working at forgiving myself. The conclusion I came to was that I was trying to pull way too many strings together, it was an impossible task and I was blaming him for it not working. 

But it was my own fault. I hadn’t planned my time well enough or stuck to the plan I had.

That brings us to the whole idea of being competent. Capable.

Enough to do good things in the world. When we get overwhelmed because we’re taking on too much, setting an impossible bar for ourselves, we are, too many times, trying to prove something.

That’s the topic for our podcast today.

Remember Robert Reacher, the researcher who used five components of self-esteem as the focus for building self-esteem for kids in the classroom? He knew that, in order for children to feel as if they’re worthy and accepted and belong there, their tanks in these 5 areas need to be full and overflowing.

He was one smart man. Thank you, Robert Reacher. Because this also applies to us, as women in these middle years.

When we lack confidence in any of these areas, our self-esteem suffers. And when our self-esteem suffers, we're far less likely to believe in ourselves and our abilities. (And to blame our husbands for our own weaknesses.)

Let’s review Robert Reacher’s 5 self-esteem needs again:

 I need to feel secure: I need to know I am safe;

• I need an identity: I need to know who I am;

• I need to belong: I need to know others accept me;

• I need purpose: I need to know what I want to achieve;

• I need to feel competent: I need to know I am capable.

 The last one is, “I need to feel competent: I need to know I am capable.”

 

I’m Afraid I’m Not Enough

Our FEAR is that “I’m not enough”, the biggest fear shared by everyone on the planet. The other half of that is “I am not enough and, if I’m not enough, I won’t be loved.”

This was one of the first aha moments I think I had with Tony Robbins, the coach I have followed for years.

We want to be enough because most of us have a script that has run underneath our lives since childhood telling us that we are not enough. And that’s WHY we’re not loved.

The world around us never lets us forget it. We're constantly bombarded with messages about what we should be doing or achieving, especially at our ripe middle year age. 

Let’s play a little game of pretend today, shall we? 

Imagine that you’re sitting there doing a brain dump in your journal. Just writing down all the thoughts in your head, getting them where you can see them. 

This is good game for us as women because it helps us to SEE what the thoughts are. If we don’t do that, they end up in a jumbled tornado going around and round in our heads. 

And then one spark causes them to explode in a loud voice toward our poor spouse who is totally caught off guard. They’re in the open then and we can then make sense of them but there are better ways to deal with them.

Like frequently dumping them out on paper. 

So, let’s pretend you’ve done this. And there, on the paper, in between all the other thoughts, are the words, “I am not enough.” Right there. It hits you between the eyes.

Look at it. It’s just a sentence. Words put together as a result of a bunch of circumstances, many long past. Some recent.

It’s a conclusion you’ve drawn about yourself.

What if you were to look at that sentence and ask yourself, “Is this really true? REALLY true?”

And you know, if you put it that way, that it’s not. 

Actually, you can juggle a lot of balls in the air at one time. You can solve problems. Calm people down. Come up with last-minute emergency plans to pull the unexpected together.

You’ve proven it over and over again.

 

When You Believe You Are Enough…

You are enough to be respected. 

You are enough to be recognized. 

You are enough to be appreciated. 

You are enough to be applauded! 

You are efficient. Organized when you need to be. Intelligent.

Able to rise to the moment and make things happen.

I know you have done that. And I know you can and will again.

Now, what if you take a new page of fresh paper and you write a new sentence? A new set of words strung together. All by themselves on that fresh paper. 

Write this, “I am enough.”

Wow. Feel that? The feelings that happen when you say that?

I know that immediately your brain will come up with all kinds of evidence to tell you that it’s not true, never been true and never will be true.

But, for just a moment, let’s hold it off.

Let’s just sit here as if we really believed in ourselves and how unique our gifts, our skills, and our strengths are. 

As if we believed that what we bring to the table is strength and confidence and being ok with everything we are and everything we’re not.

Who would you be IF YOU REALLY BELIEVED you were enough?

Would you run after what makes you feel passionate?

Would you take more risks?

Would you be more willing to put yourself out there and try new things?

Do you think you would smile more? Hug more? Create more?

I think you wouldn’t let those words, “I’m not enough” hang out with you for more than a second. You’d switch that thought out for something else immediately.

Something else like, “I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet but I’ll figure it out.”

Or, “I wish the situation was different but it isn’t. I will have to come up with a new plan.”

And then you would. 

Or… “They might believe that about me but I know the truth. I’m so much more and that’s who I’m going to be whether they see it or not.”

With those kinds of thoughts, you’d spark these incredible feelings of confidence and creativity and focus. And you’d make stuff happen.

Imagine. 

 

Ok. Let’s come back to right now. Today. 

Back to today but with a new perspective that understands when certain things happen, you go to this thought, “I am not enough.”

It creates a ripple like when a stone is thrown into the water. Circles dance out wider and wider around it.

The thought leads to a feeling which leads to actions you take or don’t take in your life which then leads to a result.

So stay on the alert. And practice catching that thought.  

The thought that comes up when you compare yourself to others. “I’m not enough.”

The thought that comes up when your aunt says you were never very good at singing or drawing or keeping house or getting anywhere on time. “I’m not enough”

The thought that comes up when your boss chooses someone else to head up the project that you really wanted. “I’m not enough.”

You look to others to validate you, appreciate you, recognize you.

But it may never happen. That’s why you need to do it for yourself. 

Like this. Write those words, “I AM ENOUGH” on a fresh blank piece of paper. It’s just a sentence but it’s now a sentence that creates a whole different meaning for you.

Here’s what I want you to write beneath it:

 

 1. Focus on your strengths

What do you do well? How have you been strong today or in the past?

Write them down under that heading, “I am enough.” 

You can list things like this: 

• I have a good head on my shoulders.  I have good ideas.
• I am a great organizer.
• I’m great at helping people relax and feel comfortable.
• I pick out great shoes.
• I always made sure my kids had good lunches.

Let the list come. Don’t be shy or feel as if you’re being vain. Step back like you’re an observer. Do this without emotion or judgment. These are facts.

As you write about how strong you are, what feelings are coming up for you?

Confidence? Respect? Maybe you have a sense of feeling more worthy. Or alive.

Now consider…If you lived from this place of confidence or certainty or feeling alive, how could you see yourself living your life?

What would you do more?

I read a story of a woman, Mary, who had always been passionate about cooking. That’s one place where she was enough - not perfect but strong. She believed that about herself. 

Part of what had always stopped her before was that she thought that she should just keep her cooking to herself because, after all, she was no chef. She didn’t have any formal training.

But the love for what she did was there. So, she set her inadequate feelings aside and started a food blog where she simply shared her love of cooking with others. 

What happened as her blog grew in popularity? She started to receive offers for freelance work and eventually opened her own catering business. 

She was astounded! And excited because she was able to take a strength she loved and use if for what comes naturally to her to bring joy to others. She was enough.

 

2. Practice self-compassion

It’s hard to say you love yourself. I know. I get that. It’s hard for me, too.

But, if, as the observer, you step back and act almost as if you’re someone else, you can generate the same kind of feelings in yourself as you give your children when they need some grace.

You can gently give yourself room to be imperfect because you’re human.

You can give yourself credit for being good at so many things including being sensitive, kind, empathetic, unselfish.

It's easy to be hard on ourselves when we have these high expectations in mind. And we think we’re not living up to them or to the expectations others have for us. 

So step back. Be the friend, the mom, the boss you wish you could have had. 

Say the same things to yourself that you wished you would have heard from them.

Right now, under that heading, “I am enough”, write 3 things that you wish you would have heard from someone else.

Maybe something like:

“I’m so proud of you.”

“You’re amazing. I really have so much respect for all you’ve done.”

“Thank you for being there. It wasn’t easy but you never gave up and you came through when they needed you the most.”

What did you write? It really touches your heart, doesn’t it? To hear the words you so need to hear. 

Sarah, divorced, struggling with feelings of worthlessness after her marriage ended discovered the power of this very thing. Instead of beating herself up for the things that went wrong in her marriage, with the help of coaching, Sarah started a daily self-compassion practice where she reminded herself of her own worth and value. 

Her journal was a place where she recorded what made her strong. And what gave her life meaning. Poems, ideas, dreams, powerful conversations all went in there to give Sarah a picture of the person she really was. 

Over time, Sarah's self-esteem and confidence grew, and she was able to start a new chapter in her life with a newfound sense of purpose and self-love.

That leads really well into a 3rd action you can take.

 

3. Celebrate your accomplishments

It’s so much easier to focus on what who we aren’t instead of who we are. 

Celebrating our shining moments, no matter how small, definitely moves us to a place of power and love instead of wanting to hide who we are. 

Whether it's getting a promotion at work, finishing a project or simply taking a day to rest and recharge, these are accomplishments.

They help us admire our best qualities like perseverance, creativity and recognizing when we need to take care of ourselves.

Lisa, another story I appreciate, was a midlife woman who struggled with feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Through work with her coach, she learned to focus on her accomplishments, no matter how small, and to celebrate them. 

She, like Sarah, started a gratitude journal where she wrote down three things she was proud of each day. Her thoughts were on what she did right or what was right in her life, not on what was wrong. 

Same result: she started feeling this peace inside. Like she had let a garbage bag full of her worst flaws go. Poof. In the trash and out of her life. 

She actually discovered she had more courage than she realized. Walking into a meeting, or time with family or a group of friends, she held her head high and forgot about what they thought of her. She focused on what she could bring to them.

 Now, Lisa is pursuing her dream of starting her own business, something she never would have considered before.

When we focus on our accomplishments rather than our failures, we shift our mindset from one of lack to one of abundance. We start to see just how far we’ve come on this journey in life which also reveals that we are pretty freakin’ amazing.

This one mindset shift can have a profound impact on every area of our lives. 

 

I need to feel competent: I need to know I am capable. 

Yes, you do need this - and not only know this but believe it. 

You are enough. 

It’s not about what you do even though you have many things you do so well. And have done so well.

But, more than what you do, it’s the ‘you’ in the center of that statement that is enough. Always has been. Always will be.

Great thinking through this with you today, Beautiful Warriors.

This is exactly why I do what I do. To help you to know yourselves more and to take that amazing heart to places you were always meant to go.

I will talk to you in the next Podcast.