I’m in a Crowd But I Feel All Alone

You want to feel like you belong no matter what.

You walk into a crowded room. But you still feel alone.

Do you long for the days when your calendar was full and you literally had to plan meals quick enough for everyone to grab so your kids (or you) could get to the next thing? 

I’ll bet you never thought you’d miss the hubbub and craziness of the busy family life. Or social life. Or work life. 

Midlife. It should be called “Mastering the art of change” - and not just hormonal change, either.

Loneliness - feeling as if you’re not connected anywhere -  is a common fallout.

This can actually be a good thing. Hear me out… 

You're an individual. And, the Big Picture I’m forever talking about, is that you are a heart walking on a Path called “life”. 

You. Just you. Alone.

You were born all alone and you will die when it’s time - alone. You can’t take anyone with you. This is a true fact.

It sounds kind of heartbreaking, doesn’t it? 

And it sounds that way because, though we walk our life alone, we’re not meant to BE alone at any stage. There are others walking their paths beside us, crisscrossing back and forth over ours.

They are the people in our lives that provide us with companionship. Connection. Deep inside we have this need to love and be loved. 

Remember Robert Reacher? He’s the researcher who developed the five components of well-being (a.k.a. self-esteem) to help elementary school teachers help children to feel better about themselves and fit into the classroom.

The 5 components apply as much to us as it does to them.

Let me repeat them here. See if you identify:

• I need to feel secure: I need to know I am safe;
• I need an identity: I need to know who I am;
• I need to belong: I need to know others accept me;
• I need purpose: I need to know what I want to achieve;
• I need to feel competent: I need to know I am capable.

See the third component? It’s “I need to belong” which is really about feeling connected and loved and accepted. 

Let’s look at that one.

What do I do when I feel all alone?

It's not uncommon for women to feel as if they're on the outside looking in, struggling with feelings of loneliness and not belonging. 

This is magnified when life shifts beyond 45, 50 and up. Relationships and connections change.

So what can you do with that feeling of being “alone” in a crowd…or anywhere - when you’re at your desk at work, when you wake up in the morning?

For most of us, early in life, our identity is found in our connections.

• Connected to our families, we say, “I’m a mom.”
• Connected to our careers, we say, “I’m a Manager. Or a doctor. Or a Career Counselor.”
• Connected to the romantic relationship in our lives, we say,  “I am a wife. Or a girlfriend. A finacee.” 

But then, in midlife,  it all shifts. And our place in life changes, in many cases.

• Kids grow and our place in their lives isn’t the same.
• People at work leave or the work itself changes and you don’t know if you like where you’re being asked to fit anymore.
• Your husband passes away. Or you go through a divorce. Or your relationship needs some work.
• Friends move away. Parents grow old. Neighbors sell their houses.

The result? You lose your tribe.

Even the familiar can feel different after a transition.

Chronic loneliness has been linked to a range of physical and mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, and even an increased risk of heart disease.

You have some choices to be made here.

Do I withdraw and settle in, believing that it’s too much for me to change with the times?

Or do I take my sweet self out there and embrace the adventure?

This is WHY knowing who you are at your core is so important. Then, when life changes, you remain the same person and all you have to do is adjust to the new situation.

Many women end up making the first choice. You know them, right? They can’t seem to find new places to ‘belong’ in this stage of life. So they don’t. 

They keep as much the same as they can and spend the rest of their time by themselves on the couch living their lives vicariously through others by watching Netflix and eating their favorite junk food.

I watched women I dearly loved choose to slip into the background. They lost touch with who they really were inside and pretty much gave up on themselves and, on life. 

Some of life’s greatest gifts to the world were lost because of that.

Writing, painting, leading, setting trends, leaving amazing legacies of strength and resilience - all of these end up withheld from those who need them. Out there. In the world. 

It leaves the world without YOU in it. Without what you can give it.

And - you miss out on all the adventures of where your gifts and passions may take you. 

Miss out on the tremendous warmth of knowing that you lifted someone up, made their journey easier, just by giving something that you had to give.

I hear you. 

It’s difficult to start new friendships and become involved in new activities. The easy way is to choose to stay where you are.

But we’re Beautiful Warriors. And Beautiful Warriors don’t settle, right? We look the challenge right in the eye, size it up and find a way around it.

If this is you, here’s the plan:

See Every Person You Meet As Someone Fascinating

First of all, know that you’re normal. Nothing odd about this - we all go through it. We all face this choice at many different transition times in our lives.

Coming out of your cubby hole is an act of bravery. 

So what if it was a FUN act of bravery? 

What if you were to look at it as adventurous? Intriguing? 

What if every new person you met at an event or wherever you were became someone interesting? 

And you were simply curious about them? 

This would lead to asking lots of questions about what they do and what they know, soaking up life through the eyes of someone who’s not you.

Can you imagine all you could learn? Not to mention how many people you would relax because you got them talking about themselves?

Change Your Thoughts to Belonging Thoughts

Not long ago,  a group of women I was working with all went out for dinner together. The average age was, most likely 38 or so. I hadn’t been in that position long and I found myself with that familiar feeling of not belonging there.

I started to withdraw and would have leaned back further and further until I stopped talking but I caught what I was doing. Telling myself something that wasn’t true.

Know what I did? It was very simple. I replaced the thought of “I don’t belong here” with the thought, “I belong here.” 

As soon as I said it a couple of times in my head, I began to feel differently.

Feeling differently, I began to laugh, to tell my stories, and to join in the conversation. I ended up having a really good time.

I did belong there as much as anyone. And nobody was telling me anything different. It was all in my head.

Talk your way through these situations. Drop into your heart and find a new thought to think in that situation.

See what your brain is saying, decide if that’s true or if it’s just a fear reaction, then take control.

In every case, you’ll be so glad you did.

Believe in What You Bring To The World

What you bring to any table is unique and compelling because you are one of a kind.

I love the story of Jane, a midlife woman who struggled with feelings of not belonging. She had spent years as a stay-at-home mom, and when her kids left for college, she found herself at loose ends. 

She tried to fit in with the other moms in her neighborhood, but she always felt like an outsider.

One day, Jane decided to volunteer at a local animal shelter. She had always loved animals, and she thought it might be a good way to meet new people.

At first, she felt nervous and out of place. But as she spent more time at the shelter, she realized that she had something to offer. She was great with the animals, and she had a knack for calming nervous dogs.

Over time, Jane became a fixture at the shelter. She made friends with the other volunteers, and she even started teaching dog training classes. 

She had found her place, and she felt like she belonged.

Finding your purpose and mission in life can bring confidence that exceeds anything else. 

When you know what you're meant to do, when you have a sense of direction and purpose, you feel like you belong in the world. 

You become more resilient, more adaptable, and more confident. Find your Mission.

Now, imagine walking into a crowded room…

You only know one or two people there but that’s not what you focus on. You see it as an entire room of interesting people who you don’t know yet.

Coffee cup in hand, you walk over to a woman nervously standing alone, smile and say, “Hi.”

The way you see it, life is filled with the adventure of taking who you are wherever you go and offering whatever you can in every situation.

It's not uncommon for women to feel as if they're on the outside looking in, struggling with feelings of loneliness and not belonging. 

Imagine if you knew that isn’t who you wanted to be and you were mastering the “art of change” by living your purpose.

Imagine if you focused on being a Woman on a Mission. 

You’re amazing and I am in awe at all of the gifts and insights and wisdom each of you brings to the world. I hope I get to meet with each one of you one day - and hear what you see as your Mission in these middle years.

If you’d like some help figuring that out, refining it, putting it into action, please connect with me. 

At the very least, use the template I’ve set up for you in my e-Book, "Discover Your Passionately Personal Midlife Mission" about finding your Why - your Mission.

I will talk to you in the next Podcast where we’ll be putting the spotlight on my most passionate topic - Purpose!