S2 Ep 17: 5 Burning Questions To Define How You See Yourself
Mar 03, 2023
Do you think maybe God made midlife - all these big changes - so that you would realize that you need to pay attention to something?
Like a big red flag waving that says, “Hey - it’s time to take you to the next level.”
I know it feels more as if we’re being “demoted” as humans rather than promoted as we age and get to feel all those hot flashes, the saggy baggies and the up and down emotions…
I just saw a cartoon where a woman was telling her doctor - “I need a big belly. You can’t fit this much charm and personality into a small package.”
There you go - the positive spin on it. However, it also kind of makes me want to crawl under my blankets and never come out because I don’t want a big belly and I don’t want to rationalize it away.
Well, maybe this is a good transition into what I want to talk with you about today.
According to a man named Robert Reasoner who was an expert on building self-esteem in elementary school classrooms, there are 5 components they needed in the classroom to help them accept and love themselves. Ready for this?
I found it amazing because these apply to us in every stage of life, not just as kids.
They are core needs for us so we can thrive, not just survive.
Most of us don’t take the time to give this a lot of thought.
Remember - context here - life is like a Story. Your story.
You are an individual - a “heart” filled with everything that makes you uniquely you - walking a path. Like a path of adventure.
You entered the path when you were born. You will leave it when you die.
In between, you make decisions. Period.
It’s truly not a complicated story because every decision you make to handle your life depends on 2 simple things:
- How you see yourself. (aka - the ‘big belly’ woman)
- How you see others.( aka - out to get me or just people walking their own paths)
And, as an example of how this plays out for us, if you see yourself as someone who can’t say ‘no’, you will most likely see others as more important than you see yourself.
On the other hand, if you see yourself as someone who chooses to give where she is able and does it out of love and willingness, then you will see others as people you want to support and offer what you can.
So how you see yourself and how you see others creates the world and how you operate in it.
So take these 5 components of self-esteem and assess yourself and how you are in your world right now.
- I need security: Do I feel certain and safe?
- I need significance: Do I know and value who I am?
- I need to belong and feel loved: Do I feel deserving of approval and love?
- I need purpose: Do I know what I want to achieve - my Mission?
- I need to feel competent: Do I believe that I am enough to be loved and respected?
Tony Robbins has done work similar to this calling his perspective the 6 Human Needs. It’s what drives us. Behind every decision is a desire to meet one of our needs.
What Is a Personal Midlife Mission Statement
A mission statement - which I’m going to help you develop over the next while - is a reflection of all of these 5 questions. It’s a summary of how you see yourself.
So…how DO you see yourself?
How are you handling life at the moment?
In a Seattle midlife health study I came across, the intention was to understand what stresses midlife women out the most.
As they hoped, they found an overarching theme.
Midlife women are stretched to the place of losing themselves because they are constantly searching for balance in the middle of multiple co-occuring stressors while, at the same time, coping with losses and transitions.
Stressors included:
- Multiple social, psychological and biological transitions such as menopause and developmental transitions related to aging.
- As well as situational transitions like divorce, taking care of aging parents or launching children.
All of these things happen at the same time.
We are left to somehow balance everything and deal with the stress that comes with loss and change.
What did they find was the fall-out for women attempting to navigate all of these kinds of issues all at once? Just to name a few:
- The on-set of health break-downs showing up as heart disease, chronic fatigue, and stomach issues.
- Strain in relationships with intimate partners, family and kids resulting often in loneliness, a fear of failing and resentment.
- Giving up on their dreams and settling for the idea that it’s“too late”, there’s no room for me to have the life I’ve always wanted.
We know this happens. We see our friends, our relatives, our colleagues just surviving - NOT thriving.
We hear the jokes and the stories and the fear that creeps into voices and closes off hearts.
Midlife women feel caught in the middle - they’ve been called the ‘sandwich’ generation because they’re still caring for families, homes and careers while also taking responsibility for aging parents and adult children.
Midlife can be a Crisis - even for Women
No wonder we lose ourselves in midlife.
Not only are you dealing with the loss of your own youth, you’re trying to be sure your kids are ok, your parents are ok, your business or your job is working so you can survive financially.
You know you need to take care of yourself but who has time?
This is where so many of us give up on our dreams.
Give up on ourselves.
You give in to coasting through life because you don’t have the time, the energy or the know how to do anything else.
How To Deal With Midlife Crisis
As bleak as this may seem, it doesn’t have to be this way. You can take all of this life, simplify what it is and let it be the fire that refines you like the gold we talked about in the last podcast..
I want you to know above all things: Nothing has gone wrong here.
Just let that sit for a minute. Breathe.
It’s true. This is life. It’s normal.
It’s the path with all its twists and turns, hills and valleys.
The story. Your story. My story.
And you can get through this without drama, without panic and, in fact, as if you were born to handle this stuff.
How? It ties back to those 5 burning questions about who you are.
Your answers matter because your answers are not just answers.
They are decisions. About WHO you are on this Path and how you are going to handle every situation that comes up.
Sometimes it feels as if a bomb has gone off.
Sometimes you feel like Wile Coyote in the Road Runner cartoons (remember that?) who was forever having boulders drop on him out of the blue. There he was - hands and feet sticking out from under it for a time.
That’s you when you find out your dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
Or your son tells you he has quit university and is moving back home.
Or you don’t get that promotion or that raise everyone said you were sure to get.
Bombs. Bolders. Rocks thrown right at your heart - words and expectations you don’t deserve.
So…here is where we’re going with this today.
Think:
Who do you want to be?
Who will you be as the character in your Story?
Will you take on the role of Victim or Hero?
Will you hide or will you grow the heart of a Warrior?
Remember I said that maybe God uses all the changes at midlife to get your attention? As a signal that it’s time to ‘morph’? To adapt? To prepare for a curve in the road?
Could there be some truth to that?
Could this be an opportunity for you to decide who you are going to be for the rest of your journey here on this earth?
Because you’re standing at a crossroads and the decisions you make right now count.
Life happens FOR you, not TO you.
Grow the Heart of a Warrior
Here’s what I want you to do today.
I want you to get strong. On the inside.
I want you to start thinking about growing that Warrior Heart because the ONLY way we get through this life is for you to learn to be the Hero and not allow yourself to fall into the victim mode.
Remember how we talked about the diamond in the last episode. The intense heat and pressure deep in the the earth transforms igneous rock to diamonds.
This is now one step toward becoming that diamond.
Stong on the INSIDE - warrior strong so that nothing pulls you off of being who you have decided to become.
No bomb.
No boulder.
No rocks thrown at you.
You, my beautiful friend, are on your way toward growing a Warrior Heart.
We’re going to look at each of these areas over the next few podcasts so you can really think about who you are and who you want to become.
Each one is an area of strength that will create the unstoppable, invincible, deeply passionate heart of a Warrior. To start, rate yourself from 1 to 10 for each question with 10 being a resounding, “YES!”
- I need security: Do I feel certain and safe?
- I need significance: Do I know and value who I am?
- I need to belong and feel loved: Do I feel deserving of approval and love?
- I need purpose: Do I know what I want to achieve - my Mission?
- I need to feel competent: Do I believe that I am enough to be loved and respected?
Build a Legacy of Courage
You are in my training school, so to speak. Well, life’s training school. I’m just the facilitator who has chosen to coach you through it.
I don’t know your life or how you need to resolve the fallout and challenges caused by all the bombs and boulders and rocks thrown at you on your path.
But I do know how to prepare you to handle it like a champion. Like the woman who will be proud of herself at the end of her life. And know that she’s leaving a legacy of courage.
Answering these questions is going to grow you strong - on the inside - so you can live your life with courage and confidence. No matter what.
When you write a Passionately Personal mission statement, it answers all 5 of these burning questions. That’s what we’re going to do for you. It’s a summary of how you see yourself.
With that as your banner in your life, you will never back down from a challenge again.
Now - If you need help with these questions, remember I’m here. I’m your trainer. And coach. It’s what I do. Send me an email at [email protected]. Or go to the show notes or my website - www.bernicemcdonlad.com and book a time to talk.
And if you want to get a jump on your actual mission statement, download the very short e-Book I have for you, “How To Write Your Passionately Personal Mission Statement”. It will guide you through it step by step. The link is in the side bar.
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