All her joints ached. Every one. It was like she had the flu but she didn’t. He had left her like he had threatened to so often – it was finally reality and she was actually in shock. How am I going to carry on? What about the money? How am I going to care for my kids? What am I going to do?
The first thing? Realize that you are wounded. No matter the situation, man, woman…. you are hurt like a wounded bird with a broken wing. Only this is about your heart. It’s broken.
Truly, you have been shell shocked even if you saw this coming. Your head may be telling you that it’s not a bad thing, you’re better off. Or, if you were pretending it would never happen, even your head is having a difficult time comprehending.
But your heart – it’s way behind. That’s because it holds all your hopes and dreams. You pinned them on someone and that someone left you. How could he? How could she?
Did you know that your head and your heart heal at different rates?
The aches and numbness are physical reactions to what has happened. They will go away after the first while. The sense of “lostness” lasts longer but you will find a way to get your feet back on the ground. Take ONE step at a time and remember, accept help, get clear on what needs to be set in place and then work on ONE thing a week. That is an important number right now. ONE! One step, one goal, one minute at a time!
While your head is working on all this, though, your heart needs your attention, too. As if it were an additional precious child you are protecting or an injured warrior you are defending, wrap your arms around it and give it time. Acknowledge that it hurts and that it is in need of compassion and understanding and acceptance.
It doesn’t matter what happened, your heart is shattered and you need to slowly bring it comfort. During those times when you are alone, simply let it hurt. Here are some beautiful words that Dr. John Gray wrote in “Mars and Venus: Starting Over.” They helped me so much.
“Remember a time when you were sad or disappointed. What happened? What didn’t happen that you wanted to happen? Remember how his/her love and support made your pain beatable. Remember the relief that you could let down your guard and share your vulnerable side. Remember the ease and comfort his/her love provided.
Take a deep breath and imagine you are back in time. Imagine him/her reaching over and giving you a hug. Feel your partner’s gentle acceptance and understanding of who you are. Feel the freedom to share your sadness. Feel the relief of not having to carry your burdens alone.
Comforted by his/her loving support, feel the sadness of your loss today. Feel the longing in your heart to be with him/her and let his/her love comfort your sadness as it did before. Feel the power of your partner’s acceptance and understanding and let that love make you whole again. Don’t run away from love. Take the time you need and get the support you deserve. One day soon your pain will be gone and you will feel the full power of love once more in your life.”
During this time when you are trying to forget, this seems as if it’s backwards. But it’s not. In order to get to the other side of the pain, you must go through it. Take your heart there and let it feel. Let it cry. And you will find comfort in imagining the arms around you that you once had. In fact, you will begin to be grateful for that ONE time you had – even if it was just once. And that is the beginning of healing and forgiveness.
In the absence of that one you wish was there, why not imagine an invisible God who loves you way more than any man or woman could, being your comfort like this? Let him be there. Going through this puts us in touch with our longings and our deepest needs – he is there to give that to you. Accept his help where no one else can go with you.
And remember, “One day soon your pain will be gone and you will feel the full power of love once more in your life.”