What words did your partner say when things were at their worst? “Pathetic?” “Loser?” “Nag?” “Ugly?” “Disgusting” “Fat?” And of course, the crude swear words that I have no desire to put in print. You know the ones. You know them because every one of them is like a punch in the stomach. Or, to be more exact, a punch to your heart.
It’s always about the heart.
No doubt by the time your break-up happened, you had already heard words like these over and over. Perhaps your partner wasn’t the first one to say them to you either. Maybe it was your dad or a teacher or friends when you were young. All it takes is about 2 or 3 different happenings during your child or teen years. Born in every human being is a desire to be loved and cherished and respected and wanted. We look for the reinforcement of this from the people closest to us.
But sharp words can be like arrows. The mouth or rather, the mind, of the one saying them is the bow. They shoot – they score….. right into the depth of our most tender heart. The first time, we respond in surprise… you mean, you don’t want me? You mean I’m a pain? You mean that you don’t love me because I’m a irritant to you? If that moment, that wound is not repaired immediately with love that says, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t think that at all. You are my shining star and I will always love you. Forgive me”, the seed is planted. The seed grows into a truth we believe even if we aren’t aware of it.
This is our Blueprint. We make an agreement with what was said and we keep on agreeing.
“Yes, I am a loser. She’s right. I can’t do anything right. I will amount to nothing.”
“He’s right. I am too much trouble for any man to love me.”
Every time after that a teacher, a friend, a co-worker, a sibling does something to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional, we see it as being proof that what we believe is true. “Of course he would treat me like that – that’s all I deserve” We don’t even know it’s happening.
Our hearts continue to take the beating.
By the time we reach our teen years, many of us are looking to romance to prove that our blueprint is wrong. If I can only find someone who will love me totally, completely, make me the centre of his world, make me her hero, then I will prove to everyone that I’m ok.
But, of course, our hearts still have this blueprint of who we are. “Loser.” “Unloveable.” “Fat.” “Ugly.” “Disgusting.”
And life with its up’s and down’s makes love a bumpy ride. In the midst of many innocent events, we hear our Blueprint coming through loud and clear. The scary thought is, subconsciously, we are actually becoming what the messsage says. Fear of it does that. It can turn us into someone who is a loser, pushes love away because we believe we are unloveable.
You know what else is scary? If you don’t change this now, your past relationship will be repeated over and over.
So, the good news? You can get out of the trap by changing your blueprint.
1. Recognize what your blueprint is. What do you believe about yourself? Use your break up to have a look at your heart and see what you are afraid your partner was telling you.
2. Pinpoint a hurtful event in your past when it all started. It won’t be hard to find. There will only be 2 or 3. One of mine was a simple event when a teacher slapped me on the arm because I was so terrified of her that I couldn’t understand my math. It can be as simple as this or as terrible as the first time you were abandoned or abused. It told you something about yourself and you believed it.
3. Realize that, whatever you are believing, it isn’t true! This is where your work is. You can change this blueprint in a moment if you choose to. Whatever you believe such as, “I am unloveable”, (this was my key belief), write it down. Now write the opposite: “I am loveable. I am gentle, kind, passionate, loyal…” You can then begin to reinforce it just as events reinforced the negative aspects all through your life.
4. Repeat steps 1 to 3 until you have given yourself a new life view, a new blueprint that allows you the freedom to be the strong, amazing, loveable, wise, intelligent person you are.
The answer to the question, “My Heart Will Go On – Won’t It?” is a resounding, “Yes!”
One of the amazing joys in my life is helping broken hearts change their Blueprints in order to prepare to find the truly great love of their lives. Watch for my new e-book coming soon guiding through changing your Blueprint. Visit me at www.hopesourcelifecoaching.ca or send me an email at email@example.com if you have questions.