She’s crazy. She’s frustrated and angry and making you feel like a failure. “Why can’t you just hear who I am instead of what I’m saying?” You are a man and think like a man. You say what you mean. You don’t mess around playing with someone’s head.
The way you communicate is very different from the way she communicates. You mull things over inside before you come out with your conclusions. Her words are her thoughts. She spews them out as they enter her mind and they are mixed up with her feelings. Once everything is out on the table, she can see them clearly. The fog lifts and she has a better understanding of what is going on with her. So she needs to talk. She needs to storm. She needs to put the words out there. That’s how she processes. No, it ain’t pretty sometimes.
But if you listen. If you listen for the feelings behind the words, feelings that say “I am afraid” or “I am lonely” or “I am not enough, I can’t do it all”, you will find your way into her heart. Stand strong while she wails without trying to fix her problems or defend yourself because you are thinking you have done everything wrong….. If you can do this, just listen, you will become a Master within this relationship maze. Trust me, it’s true.
So, here are some tips from a woman’s perspective to get you there:
1. Step into being a man.
You are strong and logical and that’s ok. Being the Provider and Protector in this relationship is exactly what she wants you to be. With you, she wants to be able to let go and just “be”. Most likely, in every other area of her life like parenting and at her job, she has to draw on these same masculine traits, the ones that come easily to you. But, unlike you, they drain her. She doesn’t need you to solve all her problems and take over her life because she will know what she needs to do once she sorts through the emotions. She simply needs your support, your wisdom when she asks for it and most of all, to be the one who is her sounding board. Her shelter. Her place where she can say anything and feel safe. She needs your arms around her saying, “I hear you. I care. I am here for you.”
2. See beyond her words into what she’s really feeling.
So, even if she sounds as if she is blaming you for everything at first, stand there, be strong and take it because, after the words and the frustration and the anger erupt, you will find the core of what is really going on. You will find the fear, the worry, the anxiety, the question she is asking. You will find what she truly needs is for you to hear that, to comfort her there, to reassure her at the eye of the storm.
“I am hurting.”
“I am scared.”
“I am afraid you don’t love me and you are going to leave me.”
Listen – you will hear it.
3. Don’t say anything. Just take her in your arms.
She may resist you because she is angry or has lost her trust in you. If the only thing you can do, is take her face in your hands and make eye contact with her, then do that. If she won’t let you touch her, just ask her to look at you. Then don’t look away. Look into her eyes and don’t look away.
Ask her, “What is really going on? I am here for you.”
“How can I help?
“I messed up. What do you need me to do?”
Stay there in her heart with her.
Riding out each storm as it comes will bring you to calm waters. You will be able to feel like a man again, not a beaten down puppy, and she will regain her trust in you. Trust that says she is safe with you and that you are the one who has her back.
Long story short, in calm times, in happy times, in angry times, in sad times….. get close to her heart. And as many times a day as possible, take her in your arms and hold her.