The whole world was suddenly filled with couples! Everywhere I went people were in groups of two. I had never noticed that before. I didn’t want to go out by myself and feel like a 5th wheel, stand out like a sore thumb. It was like a painful twist in my heart every time I saw those who had someone and realized I had no one.
It was about my heart. People around me saw the “facts” of the break down of my relationship but they didn’t know what it was like to walk inside the deepest part of me where it felt as if a bomb had exploded. For the longest time, I walked in a fog.
So, when I wasn’t working, I spent time with my “group” at the gym (more on that in another blog), sat in my car crying and drinking Tim Horton’s coffee or went back to my apartment and slept and slept and slept.
Where did I belong? Where did I belong? I didn’t want to be single – I didn’t know how to be single.
I had learned during my difficult marriage that the only way through something is to face it head on and start learning about it. Healing was not an option. I had to look my pain right in the eye and start doing something about it.
My only choice was to begin learning about what worked. I began to read and I found that there were others out there who had been where I was. And they had survived! Not only survived but were happy now! That was such a comfort to me!
One piece of advice was that I should learn to date myself.
I remember one particular night when I was trying to move ahead. It was just me but I knew in my heart that someone else was near – always had been. “God”, I prayed. “I am going to be alright with being just ‘me’. I appreciate the fact that you are with me. I want to be ok – please help me to be ok.”
It was as if he said to me, “Let’s go out.”
There was a movie I wanted to see so I decided that I would go. I put my shoulders back, held my head up high, put my make-up on and away I went. I had been to movies alone before during difficult times in my life. At first I remember making it look as if I was saving a seat for someone and they never showed up. That helped me feel a bit more inconspicuous.
But I knew that now I needed to be alright with doing things by myself with confidence. So I approached it in that way. I imagined God beside me – handsome, muscled, eyes that looked right into my heart, understanding everything about how I felt and stepping up to take care of me.
We paid, we bought popcorn and we went into the theater I was the first one there. So I picked a seat exactly where I wanted it. I breathed in my heart and felt comforted to know that the chair beside me was not really empty. He was there eating his popcorn, too. As the lights went down and the previews began, I realized that no one else was coming. I was literally the only one watching this movie.
Now I had a choice. I could have dropped off the edge into despair and made this situation an emphasis on how pathetic my “aloneness” was. But you know what happened? Have you ever seen “Sweet Home Alabama”? Near the beginning the heroine is surprised when her handsome rich boyfriend stops to take her into a dark building on their way to a party. As he leads her inside, suddenly the lights blaze and she finds herself in the middle of a huge jewelry store with all the staff waiting just for her to choose an engagement ring.
I knew that’s what was happening! It was as if God Himself had rented the entire movie theater just for me! Amazing! I felt loved and special and like a princess. I settled into my seat and smiled. It was one of the milestones in my healing journey.
Moral of this story: start dating yourself. Have courage. You deserve to be treated liked royalty and, in the absence of a “someone” to do that for you, go out with God. He really knows how to treat a lady!
Let me walk with you on this journey. Watch for my new e-book, “Never Give Up On True Love” at Hope Source Life Coaching.