Rewriting Your Story

Valentine’s Schmalentines – Who Cares?

Slowly you come to the surface.  What day is it?  Where am I?  Wham!  You remember…. She left you.  He walked out.  You are alone.  On top of that , it comes to you that it’s Valentine’s Day, the day for Lovers.  You groan – “O please, don’t make me get up.  I just want to sleep and stay in the land of forgetfulness”.

Valentine’s Day, weddings, engagements, anniversaries….. there are alot of celebrations all around you that cut you to the quick as they remind you that you are alone.  You tried but you ended up crushed.  You can try to hide behind cynicism and call the day a marketing heyday aimed at schmucks but it’s really about your heart.  It’s  broken.

It is said that the heart, the deepest core of us,  is the most amazing.  It is the only part that can be totally pummeled and shred and nearly destroyed yet, with care, can come back stronger than ever!

So the best way to get to the other side of your pain is go through it.  And the best use of your pain is to let it drive you forward.  Use this Valentine’s Day to decide that, by next year, Valentines 2014, you are going to be done with hurting.  And, you are going to be in love with someone wonderful.

How to start?

What if you had a broken arm?  What would you do?

1.  You would have an examination and go for x-rays.

2.  You would get a diagnosis.

3.  You would have a cast put on.

4.  You would be careful how you used it and you would give it time to heal.

This is the same way you can mend your broken heart.

1.  Examine it and put it through an x-ray.

  • Be honest.  No matter whose fault it was in your break-up, it left you with a heart that is broken.
  • Don’t ignore it.  Stop trying to push the pain down because it will pop up as anger, bitterness and depression.  These are like the lid on a pot.  Take away your anger or depression and look inside the pot.  See what’s truly there. Admit to it.
  • “I feel abandoned.”
  • “I am afraid that no one will ever love me.”
  • “I feel as if I have no future to look forward to.”
  • Get the truth out there so you can see it.

2.  Come up with a diagnosis.

  • One of the most important things for you to do now is to find out what really happened in your relationship.
  • The heart has 4 basic human needs: Certainty (the need to feel secure, safe and comfortable); Uncertainty (the need for challenge, surprise, fun, adventure, the unexpected); Significance (the need to feel valued, to be “seen”, to be important); Love/Connection (the need to be cherished, to be heart to heart, to belong).
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how did your partner meet these needs for you?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how did you meet these needs for your partner (looking through his eyes)?
  • If your numbers are nearly all 4 or below, this is the “why” your relationship was in trouble.  More to come on this in other blogs.

3.  Put a cast on your heart.

  • Your heart can mend just like a broken arm but you have to give it time.  Think of it as being in a cast.  Take 6 months with no other relationships, no on-line dating, no looking at all.  Step back and breathe.  Step back and give yourself a chance.

4.  Take care of your heart until it’s healed.

  • We all have built in “blueprint” that tells us how life is supposed to turn out.  How did you think that love was supposed to be?  Divide a page into two columns and write this out.  “I believe that love is supposed to be….”
  • What was the reality?  How did it turn out for you?  Write that into the other column.
  • The difference here, which is, I’m betting, a huge gap,  is where your pain comes from.  That’s why you hurt.
  • Now add to this pain the idea that you have no control whatsoever over your circumstances and you have what we call “suffering”.
  • Your first task in healing your heart is getting beyond the feeling that you have no control.  Start finding ways to take back the control and begin to move forward.  This is where I have been able to help many in my Broken Heart Coaching.

Whew!  It can be a long journey but it doesn’t have to be endless.  My wish for you is that you realize that you have to heal your heart before you are ready to move on.  If you try to find that amazing love without doing this, you will only end up back where you were – with another broken heart.

So, today on “Lover’s Day”, start by loving yourself.   Do something you love to do just for you as you would want someone else to do.  Buy yourself flowers, take a bubble bath, have a great workout, cozy up with a good book in front of the fire or watch a great movie.  Date yourself tonight and let this become a new habit.  Yes, you might still hurt but it’s a step toward ending that pain.

Better do this now because next year you just might be obligated to be with the love of your life!