Is your Pattern a Prison? Why We Go Into Hiding

How many masks did you put on this morning before you left the house?

The "I've got it all together" mask for your family? 

The "I'm fine" mask for your friends? 

The "I'm confident and capable" mask for work?

If you've ever found yourself - 

…saying "yes" when you meant "no,

…" hiding your real opinions in a group, or 

…feeling like you're wearing a costume you can't take off, you're not alone. 

You've just met your survival patterns—and they've been running your life longer than you realize.

Stop Asking "What Do They need me to be?

Here's something most of us won't say out loud: we've become masters at hiding who we really are.

We've learned to read rooms like fortune tellers, shape-shifting to make others comfortable while our authentic selves suffocate behind perfectly crafted performances.

We ask, "What do they need me to be?" instead of "Who am I in this moment?"

I see this everywhere in my work with midlife women. 

That moment when someone asks your opinion and you immediately look around to see what everyone else thinks first. 

When you change the subject away from something you're passionate about because you're afraid they'll think you're "too much." 

When you find yourself apologizing for taking up space, 

…for having needs, 

…for simply existing.

These aren't character flaws. 

They're survival strategies we developed when we were trying to figure out how to be loved and accepted. 

But what kept you safe at seven, or seventeen, or even twenty-seven, might be suffocating you now.

notice when you disappear

Let me tell you about the moment I realized I had become a ghost in my own life.

I was out for dinner with some people I didn’t know really well. Someone asked me about my favorite book. Such a simple question, right? 

But I froze. Not because I didn't have an answer—I had dozens. But because I was so busy calculating which answer would make me seem smart but not intimidating, cultured but not pretentious, that I completely lost touch with what I actually loved.

I gave some generic answer about a bestseller everyone was reading, and I watched myself do it. It was like being outside my body, watching myself disappear in real time.

That night, driving home, I realized I had become a master at reading rooms, at giving people what they wanted, at being whoever they needed me to be. 

But I had no idea who I actually was underneath all those performances. The scariest part? I often convinced myself this was kindness. I thought I was being considerate, accommodating, nice. 

But really, I was just terrified that if people saw the real me—with my weird interests, my strong opinions, my intensity—they'd decide I wasn't worth keeping around.

And, yes, I’m not alone in this. It shows up in all of us in many varied ways.

don't fall into Looping Movie Scenes

What I've learned is that we all develop what I call "looping movie scenes"—automatic patterns we fall into without even realizing it:

The People-Pleaser Loop: Someone expresses a preference, and you immediately abandon yours to match theirs, even when it doesn't matter.

The Invisible Woman Loop: You have something to contribute to a conversation, but you wait... and wait... until the moment passes and someone else says what you were thinking.

The Apology Loop: You say sorry for everything—for your emotions, your needs, your presence, your space.

These loops keep us trapped because they happen below our conscious awareness.

But here's the beautiful truth: you are not weird or unusual or somehow broken.

You are not too sensitive, too much, or not enough.

You learned to hide because it made sense at the time. But you have a choice now.

This is where Waking Up Your Courage begins—not because you need to become fearless, but because you need to become aware of how fear has been driving your decisions from the shadows.

Three Tiny Brave Steps Out of Hiding

Tiny Brave Step #1: Name Your Loop For the next week, just notice. When do you automatically hide? Is it when someone asks your opinion? When you're in a group? When someone compliments you? Just awareness—no judgment, no fixing, just noticing.

Tiny Brave Step #2: The Pause Practice When you catch yourself about to fall into a loop, take one breath before responding. Just one. In that breath, ask yourself: "What would I say if I wasn't worried about their reaction?"

Tiny Brave Step #3: Share One Authentic Thing Daily This could be as simple as saying "I actually prefer tea to coffee" instead of just going along. Or sharing something you're genuinely excited about. Start small—the goal isn't to revolutionize your life overnight, but to remember what it feels like to be real.

choose courage over comfort

Listen to me: you were not born to live in hiding.

You were not born to make yourself smaller so others feel bigger. You came into this world with a unique combination of gifts, perspectives, and experiences that no one else has.

Those things you've been told to tone down, hide, or apologize for? They might just be your greatest strengths waiting to be unleashed.

The journey from "not enough" to "brave enough" starts with one simple recognition: you have been brave all along. Hiding takes incredible courage—it's just courage pointed in the wrong direction.

What if, instead of using all that energy to disappear, you used it to show up as exactly who you are?

Those automatic patterns that keep you small are outdated protection strategies. But you can wake up your courage by noticing these loops, pausing before you respond, and taking Tiny Brave Steps toward being you every single day.

The masks can come off.

The real you is not only safe to show—she's desperately needed in this world.

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