Why I Named My Fear “Fred”: (And How It Made Me 100% More Courageous)

Have you ever noticed how most advice about fear sounds like a battle cry?

"Push through it!" 

"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" 

"Overcome your fears!"

While that's all good advice, here's what nobody tells you: turning fear into your enemy creates an exhausting war inside your head. You're fighting with a part of yourself that's actually trying to protect you.

What if I told you there's a completely different way? That you could manage your fear? Be the boss?

What if you could turn fear from your controller into your companion?

Well, you can. Let me tell you about my “Fred Framework”.

The Problem with Fighting Fear

For most of my life, fear felt like a Fire-Breathing Dragon circling my castle. This dragon would swoop down with terrifying warnings every time I tried to step outside my comfort zone:

"Don't try that! You'll fail!"

"Don't speak up! You'll be rejected!"

"Stay where it's safe! The world is dangerous!"

This dragon was powerful and intimidating. I believed every word it said because I thought I was supposed to. So I stayed small, stayed hidden, stayed "safe" – but also stayed stuck.

The real issue isn't fear itself. It's really about how we see fear. 

Think about it – fear was designed to keep our ancestors alive. When they heard rustling in the bushes, fear saved them from becoming dinner. Same thing today - it’s built into our brains.

The problem is that our fear response can't tell the difference between a saber-toothed tiger and speaking up in a meeting. It treats both as life-threatening.

The Date That Changed Everything

Now this changed my life. Truly. I mean it.

I was on the verge of the “Dating-After-Divorce Jungle” when I heard the bushes rattling. Fortunately, Relationship Coach Rori Raye’s words came back to me - 

"Yes, fear is going to be there when you try something new. But here's what you can do – shrink your fear down to a little guy who worries a lot and thinks every situation is life-or-death. 

Tell him you hear him and appreciate his concern, but you're not going to die – you're just nervous (insert your own anxiety word here). 

Then direct him to go sit in the corner and eat a cookie because you need to do this."

As crazy as it sounds, I tried it.

Result? A huge shift. And I went out with my focus on getting to know the person I was seeing, not my fear.

Read on to see how...

Fred Is Born (and I became more couragous)

How did I make friends with Fear and go ahead and do something I was afraid of? I’m so glad you asked.

I followed the directions Tiny Brave Step by Tiny Brave Step. 

First, I visually shrunk my fire-breathing dragon down into a cute little Disney-type character and named him "Fred." 

Then, while waiting for a date to pick me up, with knees knocking, I looked Fear right in the eye. It was running through all the disaster scenarios in my head and telling me I should cancel.

“Fred - may I call you Fred?” I said, “Thank you for your concern but I have my bases covered. I’ve done my homework. I am a mature, careful woman and the boss of my own choices. 

I want you to go over there to the corner and eat a cookie. Yes, I know, I’ll still hear you muttering, but you will just be background noise. You can come along on this date but I’m not going to listen to you - I choose to relax and enjoy getting to know someone new.”

Suddenly, my fear wasn't this overwhelming force controlling my life. 

It was just Fred – well-meaning, a bit dramatic, and completely convinced that finding love, speaking up in a meeting or going to the gym as imperfect were dangerous activities I should avoid because I might get hurt.

Why This Actually Works

You’ll be very comforted to know that this approach works on multiple brain levels:

Neurologically, our brains respond differently when we frame fear as a separate entity trying to protect us. It activates different neural pathways – we're literally digging new ditches in our thinking.

Psychologically, dialogue creates what's called "cognitive distance." Instead of fear being part of us, it becomes something we can observe and then make decisions from our values, not our fears.

Emotionally, expressing gratitude to Fred reduces internal conflict. We're not fighting with ourselves – we're redirecting a well-meaning protective instinct.

Over time, something fascinating happens. Fred actually becomes a helpful advisor rather than a dictator. 

He still points out potential risks (a good thing), but he does it in a way that keeps you in the loop rather than sending you, terrified, into hiding.

You are the one who makes the decision about how you respond to his warnings.

Your Turn to Meet Fred

Think of a current situation where fear is holding you back. Maybe it's having a difficult conversation with your boss, going full out on that creative project, or, like I did, deciding to start dating again.

Here's how to apply the Fred Framework:

1. What warnings is your Fred giving you? Take a moment to jot these down. You'll hear classic Fred language: "If you do this, then this will happen."

2. Write down a thank you to Fred for his protection. Acknowledge what he's afraid might happen.

3. Clarify whether this is actual danger or stepping out of your comfort zone. Most of what Fred warns us about is discomfort, not danger.

4. Draft a statement about who's driving the car in your life. Be kind but firm – Fred needs to know you appreciate him - after all, you’re partners -  but you're the one in charge.

Living with Fred as Your Companion

I've used the Fred dialogue when -

...deciding to leave my paid job

...when starting my coaching business,

...when setting boundaries in relationships that matter to me

...before speaking on stages. 

AND just before I felt I was free-falling off a zipline platform.

The key is consistent practice. Your Fred gets quieter the more you dialogue with him. Or rather, his voice changes from panicked screaming to thoughtful advice.

Remember – you're not trying to eliminate fear. You're building a new relationship with it. 

Fred becomes a companion on your courage journey rather than a roadblock.

So, I challenge you. This week shrink your Fire-Breathing Dragon down to a cute little concerned friend and ask him if you can call him "Fred" (or whatever name resonates with you). Then, try the dialogue when you feel afraid.

What might your life look like if fear wasn't driving your decisions?

Nobody should have to live with that constant inner battle. Instead, you can learn to work with your fear rather than against it.

Fred is welcome on your journey. 

He just doesn't get to choose the destination.

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Reminder: You're way braver than you think. The Tiny Brave Steps Generator.